The Most Intellectual Jokes I Know
It’s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally.
Boris Spassky was once asked by a reporter, “Which do you prefer: chess or sex?” Spassky replied “It very much depends on the position”.
“I’m a linguist, so I like ambiguity more than most people.”
Jean-Paul Sartre is sitting at a French cafe, revising his draft of Being and Nothingness. He says to the waitress, “I’d like a cup of coffee, please, with no cream.”
The waitress replies, “I’m sorry, Monsieur, but we’re out of cream. How about with no milk?”
Q: What does the “B” in Benoit B. Mandelbrot stand for?
A: Benoit B. Mandelbrot.
“is it solipsistic in here, or is it just me?”
Did you hear about the jurisprudence fetishist? He got off on technicality…
A physicist, a mathematician and an engineer were each asked to establish the volume of a red rubber ball.
The physicist immersed the ball in a beaker full of water and measured the volume of the displaced fluid. The mathematician measured the diameter and calculated a triple integral. The engineer looked it up in his Red Rubber Ball Volume Table.
Two fermions walk into a bar. The first says “I’d like a vodka martini with a twist.” The second says “Dammit, that’s what I wanted!”
I’d tell you a UDP joke, but you may not get it.
I prefer IP jokes; it’s all in the delivery.
I could tell you a joke about TCP, but I’d have to keep repeating it until you got it.
Werner Heisenberg, Kurt Gödel, and Noam Chomsky walk into a bar. Heisenberg turns to the other two and says, “Clearly this is a joke, but how can we figure out if it’s funny or not?” Gödel replies, “We can’t know that because we’re inside the joke.” Chomsky says, “Of course it’s funny. You’re just telling it wrong.”
Two women walk into a bar, and talk about the Bechdel test.
Who does Polyphemus hate more than Odysseus?
Nobody!
A physicist, a mathematician and an engineer stay in a hotel.
The engineer is awakened by a smell and gets up to check it. He finds a fire in the hallway, sees a nearby fire extinguisher and after extinguishing it, goes back to bed.
Later that night, the physicist gets up, again because of the smell of fire. He quickly gets up and sees the fire in the hallway. After calculating air pressure, flame temperature and humidity as well as distance to the fire and projected trajectory, he extinguishes the fire with the least amount of fluid.
At last, the mathematician awakes, only again to find a fire in the hallway. He instantly sees the extinguisher and thinks, “A solution exists!”, and heads back into his room.
Entropy isn’t what it used to be.
Did you hear about the suicidal homeopath? He took 1/500th of a deadly dose of poison.
A biologist, a chemist, and a statistician are out hunting. The biologist shoots at a deer and misses 5ft to the left, the chemist takes a shot and misses 5ft to the right, the statistician yells “We got ‘em!”
There are two types of people in the world: Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data sets.
There are two types of people in the world: Those who crave closure.
Did you hear about the man who got cooled to absolute zero?
He’s 0K now.
Two kittens on a sloped roof. Which one slides off first?
The one with the lowest mew.
The programmer’s wife tells him: “Run to the store and pick up a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, get a dozen.”
The programmer comes home with 12 loaves of bread.
A logician’s wife is having a baby. The doctor immediately hands the newborn to the dad.
His wife asks impatiently: “So, is it a boy or a girl”?
The logician replies: “Yes”.
A Photon checks into a hotel and the bellhop asks him if he has any luggage. The Photon replies “No I’m traveling light”.
Your mother is so classless, she could be a marxist utopia.
An organic chemist, an analytical chemist, and a physical chemist are asked if a certain horse will win the race. The organic chemist asks what the horse has been eating and drugs given to it. The analytical chemist asks for the makeup of the track and mud. The physical chemist starts with “If we assume that the horse is a sphere…”
This sentence contains exactly threee erors.
A German walks into a bar and asks for a martini. The bartender asks “dry?”, he replies “nein, just one”
Two chemists walk into a bar. The first says, “Can I have a glass of H2O.”
The second chemist says “Can I have a glass of water too.”
The first chemist broke down in tears – his assassination attempt had failed.
A pun, a play on words, and a limerick walk into a bar. No joke.
Edit: Apparently an anecdote was also in attendance.
There’s a band called 1023MB. They haven’t had any gigs yet.
An engineer, a chemist, and an economist are marooned on a desert island. They start to brainstorm a way off the island.
The engineer says, “we can lash together some branches and make a crude raft and try to make our way back to land somehow.”
The chemist says, “with the right materials we could build a really smokey fire and try to signal a plane.”
The economist says, “okay let’s assume we have a boat…”
Helium walks into a bar and orders a beer, the bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve noble gases here.” He doesn’t react.
If you’re not part of the solution, you’re part of the precipitate.
A Buddhist monk approaches a hotdog stand and says “make me one with everything”.
The vendor makes the hot dog and hands it to the Buddhist monk, who pays with a $20 bill. The vendor puts the bill in the cash box and closes it. “Excuse me, but where’s my change?” asks the Buddhist monk. The vendor replied, “Change must come from within.”
An angel came down for a meeting of the American Philosophical Association. Greeting the assembled philosophers, the angel offered to answer a single question for them. Immediately the philosophers set to arguing about what they should ask. So the angel said, “Alright, you figure out what you want to ask. I’ll come back tomorrow.” And he left the philosophers to deliberate.
Some of the philosophers favored asking conjunctive questions, but others argued persuasively that the angel probably wouldn’t count this as a single question. One philosopher wanted to ask “What is the best question to ask?”, in the hope that someday another angel might make a similar offer, at which point they could then ask the best question. But this suggestion was rejected by those who feared that no such opportunity would arise and did not want to waste their only question.
Finally, the philosophers agreed on the following question: “What is the ordered pair whose first member is the best question to ask, and whose second member is the answer to that question?” Satisfied with their decision, the philosophers awaited the angel’s return the next day, whereupon they posed their question. And the angel replied: “It is the ordered pair whose first member is the question you just asked, and whose second member is the answer I am now giving.” And then he disappeared.
What do you call two crows on a branch? Attempted murder.
C, E flat, and G walk into a bar. The bartender says, “Sorry, no minors”
An engineer, an economist, and a philosopher are hiking through the hills of Scotland. On the top of a hill they see a black sheep. “What do you know,” the engineer remarks. “The sheep in Scotland are black.” “No, no”, protests the economist. “At least one of the sheep in Scotland is black.” The philosopher considers this a moment. “That’s not quite right. There’s at least one sheep which is black from one side.”
The barman says, “Sorry, we don’t serve time travelers in here.”
A time traveler walks into a bar.
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
To.
To who?
No, to whom.
How many surrealists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A fish.
Silver and Gold walk into a bar.
Bartender says “‘ey you, get outta here!”
Gold leaves the bar.
The first rule of Tautology club, is the first rule of Tautology club.
Wife walks in on husband, a string theorist, in bed with another woman. He shouts, “I can explain everything!”
Q: How was Louis the XIV feeling after completing the Palace of Versailles?
A: Baroque
Heisenberg and Schrodinger are on a road trip, when a cop pulls them over. The officer walks up and asks if they know how fast they’re going. Heisenberg replies that they do not, but know with high precision where they are. The cop thinks that’s weird, and begins to search the vehicle. He opens the trunk and asks, “did you know you’ve got a dead cat in the trunk?” Schrodinger says, “well, *now* we do.”
What do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?
Why was Werner Heisenberg sexually frustrated? Because whenever he found a position, he lacked the momentum; and when he had the time he didn’t have the energy.
What’s the contour integral around western Europe? Zero, all the poles are in eastern Europe. Addendum: There are poles in western Europe but they’re removable.
Forty days pass, the flood recedes, and Noah and his family are settling in. Noah’s wife notices that all the animals are starting to reproduce, except for a pair of snakes. She asks Noah about it, and he says he’ll take care of it. A week later, Noah brings his wife out to the workshop, and shows her the snakes in their basket on top of the picnic table he just built. “How is this going to get them to reproduce?” she asks. “Trust me,” he replies. A few days after that, she notices there are eggs in the basket. She is delighted, and asks Noah how the picnic table could have possibly helped. He says, “My dear, even adders can multiply on a log table.”
An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first one orders a beer, the second one orders half a beer, the third one orders a quarter of a beer. The Bartender says “you don’t know your limits” and pours them 2 beers.
An infinite swarm of mathematicians returns to the bar yet again. The first one orders a beer, the second one orders a quarter of a beer, the third one orders one ninth of a beer. The bartender says “sorry, the bakery is across the street.”
Aleph-naught bottles of beer on the wall,
Aleph-naught bottles of beer,
Take one down,
Pass it around,
Aleph-naught bottles of beer on the wall.
A bumper sticker with a red background and white letters that says, “If this sticker is blue, you’re going too fast.”
When chemists get sick, they helium and curium. When chemists die, they barium.
Two behaviorists have sex. One turns to the other and says, “That was good for you; how was it for me?”
Morgenbesser, ordering dessert, is told by the waitress that he can choose between apple pie and blueberry pie. He orders the apple pie. Shortly thereafter, the waitress comes back and says that cherry pie is also an option; Morgenbesser says “In that case I’ll have the blueberry pie.”
Lots of languages allow double negatives, but in English it’s a no-no.
What do you get when you cross a mosquito with a mountain climber?
Nothing, you can’t cross a vector with a scaler.
“What kind of work do you do?” “Oh, I work with kidneys.” “So do you work in nephrology or pediatric orthopedics?”
16 Sodium atoms walk into a bar, followed by Batman (NaNaNaNaNaNaNaNaNaNaNaNaNaNaNaNa BATMAN!)
3 logicians walk into a bar. The bartender asks “Do all of you want a drink?” The first logician says “I don’t know.” The second logician says “I don’t know.” The third logician says “Yes!”
A blonde woman walks into a bank in NYC before going on vacation and asks for a $5,000 loan. The banker asks, “Do you have collateral?” The woman says “I’ll use my Rolls Royce.” The banker, stunned, asks “A $250,000 Rolls Royce? Really?” She hands over the keys and leaves. The bankers and loan officers check her credentials. Everything checks out and they laugh what a fool she is. They park it in their underground garage for two weeks. When she comes back, she pays off the $5,000 loan as well as the $15.41 interest. The loan officer says “Miss, we are very appreciative of your business with us, but I have one question. We looked you up and found out that you are a multi-millionaire. Why would you want to borrow $5,000?” The woman replies “Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?”
A photon checks into a hotel and the bellhop asks him if he has any luggage…. The photon replies, “No, I’m traveling light.”
A physicist sees a young man about to jump off the Empire State Building. He yells “Don’t do it! You have so much potential!”
A physicist, a chemist, and a statistician walk into an office to discover the trash can is on fire. The physicist announces “We must put the garbage can in the fridge so that the temperature will be below the ignition temperature and therefore put itself out!” The chemist replies “No, we must cover the garbage can so that the fire consumes all of the oxygen and, in the absence of reactants, can no longer continue!” Meanwhile, the two turn around to find that the statistician is running around the room setting everything else on fire. “What the hell are you doing??” “Getting a proper sample size!”
An engineer, a physicist and a mathematician have to build a fence around a flock of sheep, using as little material as possible. The engineer forms the flock into a circular shape and constructs a fence around it. The physicist builds a fence with an infinite diameter and pulls it together until it fits around the flock. The mathematician thinks for a while, then builds a fence around himself and defines himself as being outside.
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are walking down the street together. A juggler is performing on the street but there are so many people that the four men can’t see the juggler. So the juggler goes on top of a platform and asks: “Can you see me now?” The four men answer: “Yes.” “Oui.” “Si.” “Ja.”
An infinite number of Mathematicians walk into a bar. The first orders a beer, the second orders half a beer, the third orders a quarter of a beer and so on. After the 7th order the bartender pours 2 beers and says, “you fellas ought to know your limits.”
An MIT linguistics professor was lecturing his class the other day. “In English,” he said, “a double negative forms a positive. However, in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative remains a negative. But there isn’t a single language, not one, in which a double positive can express a negative.” – A voice from the back of the room piped up, “Yeah, right.”
Did you hear about the man who got cooled to absolute zero?… He’s 0K now.
How can you tell the difference between a chemist and a plumber? … Ask them to pronounce “unionized.”
I invented a new word today: Plagiarism.
I tried walking up a hill without a watch but had neither the time nor the inclination.
I’m thinking about selling my theremin… I haven’t touched it in years.
I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it.
It’s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally.
Know why Polish airlines only fill half of an airplane for each flight? Poles on the right half of the plane are unstable.
Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and, with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath…. This made him a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
Pavlov is sitting at a bar, when all of the sudden the phone rings… Pavlov gasps, “Oh crap, I forgot to feed the dogs.”
René Descartes walks into a bar. Bartender asks if he wants anything. … René says, “I think not,” then disappears.
The other day my friend was telling me that I didn’t understand what irony meant. … Which is ironic, because we were standing at a bus stop.
There are 10 types of people in the world. Those who know binary, and those who don’t.
There are 2 types of people in the world. Those that can extrapolate from incomplete data
There’s a fine line between numerator and denominator.
Today, I saw a midget prisoner climbing down a wall. As he turned and sneered at me, I thought: “That’s a little condescending.”
What do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?
What does the “B” in Benoit B. Mandelbrot stand for?… Benoit B. Mandelbrot.
What’s the difference between an etymologist and an entomologist? An etymologist knows the difference.
Who is this Rorschach guy? … and why does he paint so many pictures of my parents fighting?
Yo momma’s so classless, she could be a MarxistUtopia.
Your momma is so mean, she has no standard deviation.